Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Top Ten: What the world thinks about Australians
1. No, I do not ride kangaroos everywhere or have them as pets
Look, as much as I'd love to nod and say yes, I do have a pet joey named Skippy who use to hop me to school and play with me in my back yard, I can't I'm sorry. As a result of pesky foreign advertisers, the people of the world think that Australia is a vast red country where we are surrounded by bush land and live near a billabong with our tucker bags. They find it hard to grasp the idea that we like in cities, with buildings, and automobiles.
2. Yes, I speak English, not Australian
You laugh but this is a very common question, maybe even the most common.
3. They're called prawns, not shrimps
If you are Australian and you have travelled overseas you would have definitely heard the ol line "throw another shrimp on the barbie" and wanted to throttle Paul Hogan and the whole 1984 tourism Australia advertising team. Not only will you hear it, you will hear it again, and again, and again, and again.
4. We don't drink Fosters
And we haven't since the 1970's. Although overseas the brand is advertised as being true blue Aussie, the lager which was formally brewed by the Carlton United Beverages group, became vastly unpopular in aus throughout the early 2000s when the group decided to focus on promoting Carlton Draught and Victoria Bitter.
5. I live somewhere other than Sydney
Yeah, and not Melbourne either. Get use to trying to explain to foreigners that Australia is actually a fairly large island, and it might help to have a go to map on your phone because you are going to be asked this a lot.
6. We do have things that kill you, but I never come in contact with them
The funniest thing to do when you're in conversation with a foreigner about Australia is list the things that can kill you in Australia. Not only are you getting a few laughs, but you are doing your nation proud making sure that they are never going to want to immigrate to a place with this many things that can kill you. Mentioning things like the bird eating spider is my personal favourite, they don't need to know that it lives in far north East Queensland...
7. I do not surf all the time
Cheers Roxy and Billabong for making foreigners think we're all tanned with long blonde beach hair and wearing a bikini 72% of the time. You can imagine the shock they get when a pale faced, black haired girl tells them she's from Australia. "You're from Australia, why are you so white?" "You can't just ask someone why they're white..."
8. Dingoes are not as common as foxes are to you
Never seen one, probably never will. Dingos are classified as a sub species of grey wolf and are on the verge of extinction, so no, they aren't running around our streets.
9. I don't greet people with g'day
I don't even think someone else under the age of 30 has ever greeted me with a "g'day".
10. Koalas are actually vicious, not cuddly
Oh koalas are so cute! They look so cuddly, soft and small and just hang about in the trees all day, getting high off of eucalyptus. False. Firstly, they're big fuckers, some grow up to 15kgs big. Secondly, if they get agitated they have sharp claws and teeth to defend themselves with, which is why carers always use protective gear to handle them. Thirdly, chlamydia. Yes, some experts say that up to 90% of Australia's koala population have contracted the disease from unprotected sex (although I'm not sure where they expect the little guys to find a condom). Sharing these koala facts with foreigners is fun because you can see them die a little inside when they realise the animal they once had known and loved is actually a fat and incredibly violent little slut.
Top Ten: Things Betty White is Older Than
Currently holding the Guinness World Record for having the longest TV career, Betty White has developed a reputation for being everyone's favourite on screen gran. From beginning with her infamous role on the Golden Girls to singing Lil John's classic "Get Low" in The Proposal, Betty has won over the hearts of the world over. One thing that doesn't cross our minds though is how old she really is. Born January 17, 1922 Betty White is surprisingly older than a lot of everyday items...
1. Penicillin 1928
2. Photocopiers 1937
3. Ballpoint pens 1938
4. Sunglasses 1929
5. Television 1925
6. Bubble gum 1928
7. PEZ candy 1927
8. Cheeseburger 1924
9. LSD 1938
10. Monopoly 1933
Monday, May 5, 2014
Top Ten: Phone calls you don't want to answer
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1. Gym
If you're thinking about putting my number down because you need 10 numbers to win a free drink bottle, let me know first because I'll buy you two drink bottles just to keep Goodlife off of my ass. These guys obviously work off of commission with a shit base rate because they DO NOT let up. You have to convince them that you're moving overseas in the hope that the made up country you mention doesn't have a Goodlife branch there.
2. Bank
Has recent activity put your credit card over its limit? Please check via internet banking or call your local branch if this is a mistake... Nope, no mistake, I was well aware that buying a can of tuna and crackers from Coles for dinner would bring me over my limit. You're gonna have to wait until pay for your $4.38.
3. Phone companies
Never have I ever receieved a phone call from a telco that I wanted. Whether it's that you haven't paid your bill on time, or they're calling you to tell you about a special offer that they're specifically offering to you, chances are you never want to hear it.
4. Private numbers
I just can't commit to picking up a private number. Who knows who's on the other end of that line, it might be good news, it might be bad. It might be someone telling you that you've won $1000, or it might be a distant relative telling you that your great Aunt has passed on. Whatever it is, I don't like those surprises.
5. Boss
Especially when you're a casual. Nothing like going to bed late at night watching a whole series of Breaking Bad and knowing that it doesn't matter because you have the day off in the morning, only to receive a phone call at 7:48am saying you have to come in for a 9am start.
6. Sibling
When you're curled up on the couch in your pyjamas and you get a call from your sibling it only means one thing. They want something. It's either to pick them up on the other side of town, or to put their uniform in the washing machine to be fresh for the next day. Whatever it is though, it's gonna mean getting up off of the comfy couch.
7. Your ex
For starters, what's there to talk about? This is the moment in every post relationship when you have to keep reminding yourself of all the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
8. THAT friend
Everyone has that friend that even if you say 'bye' twelve times, they still manage to keep you on the phone for an extra 20 minutes every time.
9. Customer
It's very rare, if not un heard of, that a customer will call you to say what a fantastic job you're doing. Very rare. When you pick up the phone at work it's nearly always a complaint.
10. Phone interview
Whenever a prospective employer calls you, even if you says it's a good time, it's never a good time. Whether you're in the middle of the freeway or in the middle of making dinner, they always catch you at the least opportune moment and when you're caught out like that all of your people skills and abilities to talk yourself up completely go out the window and you end up sounding a bit special.
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